The other day, I was listening to Mel Robbins’ podcast
(10/10 recommend, by the way)
Mel was talking about her framework for having difficult conversations.

I loved it.
It resonated deeply.
I felt so inspired by it.

So much that I almost fell off my treadmill mid-jog 😂

Here are the 6 steps to having a difficult conversation:

1. KNOW YOUR WHY.

Know why you’re having the conversation.
Know what you hope to get out of the conversation.
Your “why” anchors you. ⚓️

2. SHARE A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE.

It should be one thing.
Something concrete.
Something factual.

Avoid sharing too many details.
Avoid using too many adjectives.
Avoid embellishing (don’t throw around words like “always” or ‘never”).

Don’t throw everything and the kitchen sink at this conversation.
Choose one poignant + recent example.
It’s enough.

Have the conversation in person or on Zoom.

3. STATE HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL.

State it simply.
State it plainly.
State it unapologetically.

4. LISTEN. WITH. YOUR. MOUTH. SHUT.

Don’t sigh.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t roll your eyes.

Is it hard? 
Uh, yes.

Is it necessary? 
Also, yes.

5. VALIDATE WHAT YOU HEAR.

You may not agree with what they say.
You may not like how they say it.
But it’s their lived experience.

It’s important to validate what you hear.

It shows that you are listening.
It encourages openness.
It shows respect.

And when you do this, you move from an argument to a conversation.

Yes, it might feel like they’re doling out excuses rather than remorse or contrition.
Don’t let that dissuade you.
Don’t let it usurp your power.

Intent ≠ impact.
Under any circumstances.
Even if mercury is in retrograde.

6. RESTATE YOUR WHY.

State what needs to change (whether it’s a boundary or a behaviour).
Don’t dilute the conversation by apologizing for initiating it.

This framework is applicable to so. many. things.
Including the workplace.

It’s time to apply this framework to the workplace.
Let’s use it to have a conversation with your boss who acted disrespectfully towards you in a meeting yesterday.
⬇️

1. Know your why.

You need to feel safe and respected at work.

2. Share a singular, specific example.

At yesterday’s team meeting, you interrupted me three times when I was providing the project update status. You raised your voice at me when I shared that the project delivery would be unavoidably delayed due to external factors that I had found out about that morning. You said that someone’s job would be on the line and that I should prepare for it to be mine.

3. State how it made you feel.

I felt humiliated and disrespected by the way you spoke to me and threatened my job in front of our team.

4. Listen. With. Your. Mouth. Shut.

(Yep, this is the hard part)

5. Validate what you hear.

I can appreciate that you’re under a lot of stress and that this unavoidable project delay only adds to that stress.

6. Restate your why.

I need to feel respected by you and I need to feel safe at work – in public and in private, even when we disagree or when I tell you that an important project has been unavoidably delayed.

Why does it work?

It’s clear.
It’s concise.
It’s factual.

It’s not long-winded.
It’s not exaggerating.
It’s not overly emotional.

It’s fair.
It’s powerful.

Is anything missing?
What would you add?

Can you see yourself using this framework to have a difficult conversation?

 April 17, 2023

Saira Gangji is an independent licensed Workplace Investigator at hrology in Calgary, AB. She investigates allegations of discrimination and human rights, harassment, violence, and misconduct in the workplace. For more information about hrology and our process, see the work with me page.